Get Out Of My Way!

Do you ever have to get out of your own way? That's what I've been working on this week.
Mike's opportunity at work meant he'd be out of town most of the time in the upcoming months. Many times over the years that possibility has raised it's head, to only settle back down and not happen. So, this time I really hadn't thought about it. And then when it did happen, it happened fast. As in, "We've signed the contract. Can you drive me to the airport?" (ignore the fact Mike had been preparing for this for months - I just didn't think it would happen.)
I'm a creature of planning. I've often written here that sometimes I like the planning as much as the event. Ala Buddy the Elf - Anticipation is my favorite. Anticipation of something allows me to squeeze every moment of joy out, both before, during and after.
Anyway, without any planning of what his absence meant for me, I was left to wallow. Wallow in my unsureness, aloneness, unworthiness - you know - all that stuff we wallow in when wallowing is called for. And my wallowing was ratcheted up a notch because Mike was happier in his job than I'd ever seen him. Oh, woe is me . . .
So, this week I've been reading my favorite authors, praying, writing and getting past that big ol pile of mess called, Kay. No one else can mess things up for me as well as I can. Of course, I've put a lot of time in with Kay and know the right buttons to push.
How do you get past you when you are your main obstacle? Or is this something only I do? And if that is the case, ignore this blog. I'm fine.

What? I Can't Hear You -

Back in Illinois, I somehow got the gig of doing the children's sermon each week in the church service. You know, when the kids come up and the pastor does a little talk. Well, I did that for several years. I'd open myself up to God each week and through out the week my message would come and by Sunday morning I'd have it polished and ready to go. Sometimes the message took longer to get, requiring more concentration and prayer, more listening.
However, one week nothing came. Nothing. As we walked to church I threatened God with what he'd done. "You've given me nothing so I guess you're going to just let me get up there and sit down and tell those kids you didn't give me anything to say. You're just going to let that happen, aren't you?" God apparently didn't have a problem with that and shockingly he didn't get scared and send down a quickie message. I still had nothing as I entered the sanctuary.
Pastor Zimmerman rushed up to me. "Kay, we have some special things today so we need to cancel the children's sermon. Sorry I didn't call you earlier."
Wow, what a leap in my faith journey. The knowledge that God will supply what he wants me to say or write or do. Even in my darkest times of confusion I know the confusion comes from me - not him. He's probably speaking very loudly through the people around me, the books lying on my desk, the shows I watch on TV or his silence is the message. Whichever it is - the message is there if I'll wait - and listen.

To Be, or Not To Be . . .

In my reading this morning of the first of Madeline L'engel's Crosswick's journals she shares her word of that summer - "Ontological" It's a word about being. Who we are. Who I am.
This existence which does not depend on my recognition that I actually exist. We can move through life without appreciating or even recognizing what we are made of. Who we are.
How very hard it seems to actually be aware of our existence. To see myself as a part in this whole. To appreciate not only my 'being', but every other person's 'being' as well. Full of thoughts, interior conversations, feelings, doubts, joy - and everything.
Is it possible to really see ourselves?
Who of us has not seen more in our children, our friends, our spouse, than they see in themselves?
What if we could get a glimpse, just a glimpse of what God saw in us when he first thought of us? Would the shame eat us alive? Would our disappointment cause us to cease all trying?
I don't think so. I think God is too much in this moment. He's too aware of our being at this moment. He's not hemmed in by the past and the future.
So in my limited way - I turn myself to being.
You think God's laughing yet?

Flowers & Questions

The garden is at it again. All the plans of color arrangement, height placement, watering groupings - all out the window. We're at that point in the summer when the flowers just take over and do whatever ol' thing they want to do. Which is also the point in the summer when I as a gardener decides to let them. Let them be who they want to be.
Moss roses mound and cascade, completely swamping the geraniums. (Any guess which of those I actually paid for?) Zinnias come up right willy nilly - spouting off in shades like Starburst candies. It becomes a jungle out there and, well, I love it.
Love the randomness and crowdedness, profusion and confusion, the total lack of permission they asked to move about at will. To grow faster, taller, shorter, slower - whatever their little hearts desired.
So how does that fit into my life? This Monday? What can I take from the display of life in my backyard?
To go with the flow? That life will find a way? To not take my planning so seriously?
Honestly, I'm not sure. I just know the garden, the flowers, moved me this morning. Spoke to me. Maybe I'm not being quiet enough to hear what was being said? Maybe I try to find meaning when there is none?
Well, I'm just going to take it as a good sign that I have lots of questions.
Because, when I run out of questions - things get a little scary.

Endurance - and this is not a Viagra ad

Came across this phrase yesterday and it stuck with me. "Endurance Inspired by Hope."
Endurance - yep, that's me. I've been enduring in this writing thing so long, I can remember sending off actual sheets of paper to a publishing company. Everything now is electronically submitted and sooooo much easier. No buying "bright white paper". No printing up a couple hundred pages and then wrapping it in nice brown paper and then making a trip to the UPS store.
Endurance - I've written six full novels, a couple dozen query letters, synopsis', chapter summaries, characterizations and one pages.
Endurance is something I study and think about --- and need. So, that phrase caught my attention - "Endurance Inspired by Hope." Hope in my abilities? Hope in my agent's abilities? Hope in catching the eye of some editor out there? Hope in the book market? Yeah, I've put hope in all of those. A good call from my agent inspires me to hope more. Or reading something in one of my books and liking it inspires hope. A turn in the market that favors my style of writing builds my hope.
But then . . . no call from my agent deflates my hope. Or reading an awful, amateurish passage in my writing crushes my hope. The market - well, the market is stupid.
So the first part of that phrase is pretty, "Endurance Inspired by Hope." But it's the part I left out that contains the meat. "Endurance Inspired by Hope in the Lord Jesus Christ."
So this morning I've got to do the work of wrestling my hope back from the places I've put it where it just ends up driving me crazy. Because I will continually be let down by myself, other people and the world. Continually. Always.
Where is your hope placed?

Growing Closer. Growing Apart. Your Choice.

I was talking to my mom today and she said, "In a marriage you're either growing closer or growing apart." Mama is wise, filled with common sense and been happily married for fifty-two years. At first, her statement seemed rather simplistic, but really, it's simply true. Two people can't remain the same, day in and day out. So the movement has to be one way or the other. If you're not growing closer then you must be growing apart.
And, so, is this true also for other relationships, like with our children, our siblings, our friends? I know at times I've watched a friendship slip away. We no longer had things in common, we moved away, or one of us changed. At those times I noticed the separating drift and acknowledged it was what needed to be. Other times I've lifted my head, looked around and realized the gulf had widened considerably while I was busy.
There have been times when I stretched and stretched to grow closer to someone and we didn't grow closer. Only one of us was stretching. I've also increased the distance before when someone stretched out to me. Sometimes these were just ill-fated acquaintances and sometimes all that stretching and retreating happened in my closest relationships.
Mama's statement serves to remind me to be vigilant, aware of what's happening in the relationships I want to last.
Growing closer. Growing apart. Sounds like a choice.

Stimulated Yet?

The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind. Albert Einstein

This quote by Einstein was tweeted by a friend (okay, so she's an agent in England whom I've never met) this morning and, boy, do I hope it's true. Lizzy goes back to school in a few weeks and with Mike's work travel ratcheted up several notches - there's some monotony and quiet life in my immediate future. But if it stimulates my creativity then that's a good thing. Right?
Thinking back I kind of find that to be true. Taking care of little kids is a roller coaster ride of wildly erratic and boring. Seems those boring times might've been what led me to writing. And sewing. And doing crafts. And gardening.
Or was it just that I had the time to do those things? And having the time - couldn't that be because of all that "monotony" and "solitude". Hmmm . . .
What do you think? Do you find your creativity spurred on by lots of activity and stimulation? Or do you need quiet and solitude?
Have you heard the definitions of an extrovert is someone who gets more energy from being with people and an introvert is someone who derives their energy from being alone? Interesting, isn't it? Before I heard those definitions I figured I was the poster child for extroverts. But, honestly, I like people and their stories so much that being with people requires all of my attention and concentration and so it drains me. I have to have, and crave, alone time.
So, now that I find myself with some of that craved for alone time - let's see if it stimulates my creative mind. And seriously, let me know what stimulates YOUR creative mind.